The Start of the Recovery

It's amazing what the body can cope with really, and even more amazing at how powerful the mind can be - if you allow it.

I was drugged up to the eyeballs, but was becoming aware of who was around me and what was going on. What I didn't like was the 'out if it" feeling the drugs give you, so, in my mind, my number one focus was to get on top of the drugs, then I can have a better handle of what I'm up against.

Still feeling hugely humiliated that here I was - in hospital AGAIN, with another major under my belt! I just wanted the ground to swallow me up.

Although I wasn't really "with it" all that much I had moments of "being there" and not really "being there". My head was busy, there was a lot going on in there for sure, but being able to communicate, - It's hard to explain, but that's pretty much how it was for the first few days.

I woke to my daughter washing my hair telling the nurse to pretty much get out of it, you're doing it wrong she said, "she doesn't like her hair washed like that, I'll do it". Had to have a little chuckle as I write this, as she is still very much the same.

Although it was only a hair wash the touch of someone who loves you is like no other when you can't do things for yourself.

The room had a real heaviness to it, I knew it had been a tough few days, there had been a lot of worry, stress, and tears. I knew family and friends had been to visit with more coming.

I don't remember alot of those first few days, only snippets, and pieces of conversaton.

One thing I do remember very clearly, was my dear friend and a little whisper in my ear.........

(Friend) Rach, Its the 28th......

(Friend) It's his birthday today......

(Me) Who's birthday??

(Friend) Hubby's!

OH MY GOD!! this is not where we are meant to be, I looked around to find hubby, there he was, just to the other side of me, with a smile on his face, I looked at hubby with a heavy heart, tears welling in my eyes, a lump in my throat, and wished him a happy birthday, I signalled for a kiss and a cuddle, I couldn't move to hold him or kiss him back, I just felt like shit, even more reason to get better as soon as I could.I had planned a surprise birthday for hubby for the weekend. We were now into Thursday, I looked at Hubbys mum with questioning eyes, she knew exactly what I was thinking as she knew I had planned a surprise for him, she leaned over me, gave me a kiss, and said, its alright, he knows I've told hime and we have let everyone who was meant to be coming know that it will have to be postponed. That feeling of shit again, don't ya just love it !

I knew it was Thursday, I had been in ICU for four nights, three days by now.

The visiting hours are very strict, when your loved ones leave after visiting hours, the nights are VERY long and lonely. ICU is really not a nice place to be at all, there are no singular rooms, and some of the conversations you hear, well, they're not very nice.

I was next to a woman, separated by only a curtain, who was not going to see the week out. I heard the Dr telling it to her straight, and she took it like a champion. I had to get the hell out of here and FAST.

I had had a leap of improvement, and if I continued to improve at the rate I was, they were going to shift me to a ward, the plan, all going well, was to do this on Friday.

Friday came along, two of my brothers had arrived as well as my sister with her girls.

I have a BIG family!! and there was more coming. It was sooooo good to see them.

The Nurses were now talking of moving me to the ward, but I had to wait for the room to be ready, you can do ALOT of waiting in hospital, funny thing though, my niece, who was there is also a nurse, "GOT TALKING", as you do, with the nurses, they were going to get my room available as quickly as they could, but I was still going to have to do a little waiting.

Five days, I hadn't seen the sun or had any fresh air, its amazing really, your body will tell you what it wants if you listen, I was listening, and I wanted some fresh air and some sunshine, so my sister got the wheels in motion and got me outside, I remember clearly, the fresh air breezing across my skin and the sun streaming on my face, there's just nothin like it.

Once up in the ward, it was time to get moving, I had to get my body upright, the longer I was down, the harder it was going to be to get back up, particulaly with my core being sliced right down the middle, sitting was a challenge, so standing was going to be something else.

The nurses got a walking frame for me, and started me off with getting me to a seated position then to a standing position, back to seated. Not much movement, but this used enough energy to take all you have out of you. We gently progressed to a small walk, to walking laps around the ward.

I had an amazing nurse in the ward, in fact all the medical staff looking after me in Hastings hospital were incredible. I was very lucky. I wasn't sleeping very well in the hospital, and I was struggling with food, my lovely nurse got me onto protein drinks drowned in ice, it was about the only thing I could manage, I was busted slurping away when hubby and the family came to visit, they could hear me as they approached my room, 'You must be feeling better, we can hear your slurping down the hallway.

Daily tasks were really hard work, and waiting for the nurses to come to help, meant that you may not be showered and dressed until around 10 am, that's a long time when you wake at 5;30am. Because I wasn't sleeping very well, I thought, well..... I may as well get up and have a shower. That was actually much harder to do than you'd think, honestly, when you have been cut straight down the middle, it feels like all your insides are just going to fall out, there is absolutely no support or strength there at all, you feel like your going to fall and to stand up, well I'm not too good with room spins at the best of times, let alone a room spinning as my insides fall out.

Anyway, no time for complaining...... I had got myself up to have a shower, I do love my showers, and a little naughty I know, but I also take my time. This one particular morning, I got myself to the shower and I thought, I'll take my time, no one is coming for a while, and when they do come, they think I've just got in the shower. Just getting out of bed and into the shower, I was utterly exhausted, I know I could have called for help, but I was so determined and me and my stubborn ways, I was going to do things for myself.

I found myself in the shower, knowing I still had to get out, get dried and dressed, I was absolutely K o"d. Rach, I said to myself, you've got yourself into this bloody mess, you need to get yourself out of it, now come on, you've got this, let's go, one step at a time.

To my nurses and husbands delight, they come to my room, to see that I'm already showered and dressed, even made my bed, but god dam I was fucked!

This is going to take a long time........