Hospital Again

Hubby had ridden his bike to meet me at Hastings hospital, what he didn’t know was that the helicopter ride hadn’t been good, and so I had been taken straight to theatre. Hubby waited while I was in theatre, I’m not sure how long that was, but once I was out, I was transferred to ICU.

The drs had told Hubby, there is not much more to do right now but wait, so, late in the night, hubby headed home in the cold, dark to drop the bike home, he only had a short time at home to rest before he headed back up in the car.

I had been taken straight to theatre, twice flatlining in the helicopter, there was no mucking around once we had arrived at the hospital. I was cut open straight down the middle - something was going on on the inside, and they needed to find out quickly.

I'm not sure how long I was in theatre for, and I don't remember the time frame from the accident to being somewhat aware of where I was and what was going on.

I do remember though hearing, Rach, hi darling I am .............. I don't remember her name, but I do remember her voice, we're just going to shift you up the bed, 1,2,3 pull, now were just going to pull you over to the side a bit, 1,2,3, pull what went through my mind was, oh for fuck sake, not again......... I did feel extreme dread and embarrassment, one accident, but two??? I was never going to hear the end of it.

My brain felt like it was overheating, it was like it was short-circuiting, or trying to tune into a radio station, it was the weirdest sensation. I remember thinking, I've got to get my head clear, once I can get my head clear, I can get on top of what ever this is.

My sense of smell became extremly sensitive, I could smell perfume a mile away and it would make me turn green.

I remember faces and voices around me all feeling and sounding familiar. I remember trying so hard to concentrate on the visions that were running through my mind were something else.

Have you ever looked at a bright light, then looked away and all you see is that bright light? Then have you ever tried to look past that bright light, to see what is beyond it? This is what was happening for me, and I have to tell you, I saw some crazy things. Everyone likes to take the piss, and tell me it was the good drugs I was on. Probably.

I remember someone putting something near my mouth, what I later learned was, I was being taken off life support, and when the tube is removed from your throat, some people can vomit, so they put a suction tube in your mouth to catch it. I remember this happening clearly, and thinking I was going to be sick and not wanting to make a mess, the suction tube was thrown into my mouth and caught everything, I remember thinking "that amazing!"

Not realising what had actually happened, until I mentioned my throat was sore, it was now that I found out I had been on life support for two days. They had made attempts to take me off, but I was unable to breath on my own.

The accident happened on a Monday, it was now Wednesday, so much had happened.

Again, I was being pumped full of drugs, a nurse was changing medication around and had given me a self medicating morphine pump. Although I was not fully "with it" I knew what the pump was and what it was for. The only way for me to get on top of this was to get my head clear, and those drugs are mind benders at the best of times. The nurse told me use the medication, I knew myself, I know my body and I know my pain limits. I was doing this my way. After accident one and understanding all the drugs and what they do to you, I didn't want to go down that road again if I could help it.

I soon learnt the severity of the accident, I had had a collapsed lung at the scene of the accident which had been temporally stabilised, when I got to theatre, I had severe internal bleeding, this is what caused the lung to collapse, my spleen had exploded, so what was left needed to be removed, and I had lost my left kidney. I wasn't coping with the surgery, so they had to zip me back up quickly and stabilise me again, which was why I went on life support.

They decided to leave the dead kidney, because it was felt I would not survive being in surgery any longer if they tried to remove it.

The mind is a powerful thing, and although I had some healing to do, I was so focused, I was going to get onto of this as quickly as I could.