Don't want to miss a thing.......

You know, as I write this blog, I am relying heavily on my memory because I am writing historically.

I kind of want to jump to the end so I'm not boring you all with the in's and out's. I also think, really? who actually cares about any of this. This is my story, it's been and gone, I've grown and moved on from this time, does it really matter what happened. But it is the in's and out's that ARE in fact the journey that have helped me to get to where I am today, so the in's and out's do need to be shared to get the bigger picture.

The first week I was in hospital, my mind was playing all kinds of tricks on me, it runs away on me at the best of times, let alone throwing is a spectacular accident for good measure. You find you start to think the worst of just about EVERYTHING.

The reality of my situation and what had actually happened was really starting to sink in.

The Doctors were coming around daily, as they do. Each day they would check my leg (and all the other injuries) they'd ask me if I could feel them touching my leg. They actually thought I was just "saying" I could feel them touching my leg, so they would ask me to close my eyes, then ask me what part of my leg I could feel them touching.

They were truely amazed I still had feeling in my leg and when they could see I could still feel everything, they would look at each other then look back at me and say 'We just don't know how we are going to fix this leg of yours.

I told them, "I've told you, you are not taking my leg, I'm wriggling my toes and rolling my leg around, I'm trying to keep it moving, so all you need to is fix it"

I had already been thinking, if they take it, I'm turning the lights out, I'm not living without a leg, I'm not going to be a burden to anyone, It really was all or nothing. I didn't even want to entertain the thought of a prosthetic leg. That! (at the time, was just NOT an option)

The Doctors talked about a bone donor from Australia, but there was a concern the bone graft would not take, then they talked about taking bone from the back of my pelvis, but were conscious they were already going to be taking bone from my pelvis for my arm, then they suggested they may look at taking bone from my other leg. Fuck sakes, I'm gonna be carved up and both legs are going to be fucked and walking??? what is that even going to look like??

I'd have good days and bad days, more good days than bad to be fair, but when I had a bad day, it was a bad one. The bad days were days where when the pain was too much, or when nurses and doctors poking and prodding at me all the time became annoying, or when feeling drugged fried was aggravating me, falling asleep in the middle of something, I felt like I didn't have a handle on anything and too much time to think. I needed to shift my thinking from negative to positive, and smartly. Feeling sorry for myself was just not an option.

I'm allowed to have a bad day, but have it and move on from it. Don't get stuck in it.

I have to find a focus.

I was starting to get messages and calls from all kinds of people, granted most of them were friends and family. I was surrounded by good good people. Customers from my work were calling, people I didn't even know were reaching out.

I wanted to start finding the people who had helped me, who helped me at the accident site, who helped me get to hospital, who was there, who were they and how could I find them to say thank you.

Then one day, there is a young woman standing outside of my hospital room,

"I'm looking for Rachel Holden",

"Thats me"

She introduced introduced herself to me, and we became friends right away.

She had been in an accident two years prior to me, and wanted to offer support.

She was telling me of her accident and what she went through, where she found she came undone in her recovery and how her life had changed good bad and other.

She told me - you'll find yourself talking about your life "before the accident" and "after the accident" I thought, no I won't, but yes! you actually do.

A day or so layer, a man was standing outside of my room,

"Hello, I'm looking for Rachel Holden'

"That's me"

My name is Stefan, I'm from the Wellington Riders, we had heard you had taken a fall, so a few of us have done a wip around for you. We'd like to give you this along with some flowers and let you know you are not alone, there are plenty of people in the group, with offers to fix your bike if you need, other riders that have taken a tumble and know where your at if you need a listening ear, any kind of support you need. We just wanted to let you know.

Feeling sorry for myself was most certainly a very short lived moment.

I found my focus, the only way from here is up! and that is how the rest of this process is going to go.