Coming off the Meds.

Moving into 2014 - I was walking unaided, albeit slowly, rehab in full swing is part of my daily life, even today 6 years later. With the way my body has been put back together, the only way I will get maximum miles out of it, is to keep it moving, if I do not walk or do yoga regularly, my body will stiffen and tighten very quickly, and then I have to go back to basics to get it moving again. So it's really important for me to keep my body in some kind of shape, have to say my runway modelling days are well over! ( not that they ever began)

I couldn't "run" across the road, so I had to be very precise with how I crossed roads and even where I walked. Is the path an uneven surface, does the footpath roll down at the sides? I have leg length difference, if my left leg is lower again while walking on a downward slopped footpath, I'll be in agony. Things you just don't think about until you actually can't. I"d have to wait till both sides of a road were clear for me to cross. I just couldn't 'Jump out of the way'" I could only walk and I was slow. Learning to drive again, getting in and out of a car, walking up and down stairs, carrying something heavy, you wouldn't think, but the additional weight of carrying something heavier would slow my whole walk down, sometimes I just couldn't carry the item if it was too heavy. Resting or leaning my elbow on my knee was painful, kneeling was out of the question, sitting on my knees, still something I can't do today.

But, there were also milestones to celebrate along the way - the first time I could sit on the floor and cross my legs in front of me, (you know, like how you'd sit on the mat at school) Tragic huh, but a great feeling after not being able to even bend my leg, lying on my stomach dangling my leg over the end of a bed, hard and painful when you can't, surprising when you realise you just have. Cycling - now that was something else! and soon became part of rehab. It got me back out doors, especially with not having a car, I could cycle to a local cafe and meet friends. The first time I tried to dance again, a terrible attempt at the best of times, but great being able to again. The first time I tired on a pair of heels, my daughter was out shopping with me and saw some shoes she knew I would like and suggested I try them on,

"I won't be able to honey", "just try them Mum", I did, AND I could walk in them.

At the end of January 2014 I returned to work, my employment had been great with supporting me while off work for 9 months, however returning to work was entirely different matter.

People had moved on, things had changed, some seemed almost inconvenienced by my return to work, or my absence from it, never really sure which it was. Some thought it was ok to make jokes of my "year long sabbatical" or "having been at home with my feet up" for a year were statements I wasn't quite ready to laugh about just yet. But what threw me, was that I had changed. I wouldn't say I changed dramatically, BUT, I had actually changed. Things that used to bug me, didn't seem to so much anymore, and I'm talking fairly boring daily trivial stuff, that I probably shouldn't have stressed so much about anyway. There was a new calmness about me, but there was also a much more softer sensitive side to me, things that would never have bothered me - really upset me. My mind would go into overdrive, and I would overthink EVERYTHING.

I would cry so easily, or my feelings would be easily hurt, and it would show, which was unheard of for me. When questioned, I couldn't explain it.

Looking back, I think that a lot of how I was feeling and the emotions I was going through were due to all of the medication I was on. At one point, if I remember correctly , I think I was taking something like 20 odd pills in a day, I had the works, Amitriptyline, Oxycontin, Tramadole, Severdole, Codine, Panadole, ibrufen, and metoclopramide to help with me with constant nausea. I thought I had done an ok job at managing the medications and the frequency, what I find interesting is, you get sent home with all this medication, but there is no one to monitor your daily intake or the frequency or to even help you to start reducing the dosage of anything. I had planned out all my medication so I wasn't taking EVERYTHING at the same time of the day, with the standard 3 x a day, I had planned the times so I was layering the meds and spreading out the times. What I wasn't prepared for was the coming off the meds.

I hadn't had any discussion with anyone about how to come off the meds, I couldn't even tell you the level of pain I was in without taking the meds, so how was I to know if I was still in pain or what that felt like, or even if I still needed to be taking so much medication. The focus had alway's been to keep on top of the pain, so it wouldn't be so hard on me to work on taking the pain away if I had pain, so how can I know my level of pain?

Around October when rehab was going well, I stopped taking the Amitriptyline and the Oxycontin. I didn't realise I couldn't just stop, I never considered I had become addicted to them!

Well what a bender that turned out to be. I hadn't taken either of those two drugs for a week, into day three, I realised, with help from a friend, I was withdrawing, I was an utter mess, I just didn't know what to do with myself, sleep, not sleep, eat, not eat, sit, not sit, am I hot, and I cold, crying for no real reason, freaking out that something was wrong, something bad had happened, overwhelming feeling of dread, sweating like you would not believe, night terrors when I could sleep, lying away all night when I couldn't, it took me probably 3 - 4 weeks before I started to feel ok.

Then same thing happened in the new year of 2014, I was away on a family holiday with my brother and sister and their families, I was planning to be off all meds by the time I returned to work at the end of January - If I could.

I was a little more careful this time, I was still on Tramadole, around 10 pills in a 24 hour period, I halved the dose, seemed ok, then halved again, but the second cut back was too quick. Initially, I thought, oh fab! I've hit menopause! Night sweats, well 24 hour sweats really, emotional, crying, that feeling of dread anxiousness again, so I went to the chemists and described how I was feeling, the women there said, oh yes, I think you are definitely starting menopause - and swiftly gave me box of 30+ when I spoke to one of my other sister's she said, no way! your way to young - I just thought that perhaps the trauma of the accident and all the meds, my body went into a bit of mental place. No- It was the drugs again. I did some research on tramadol and the effects it has on the body and found a page written by a woman who had struggled with tramadol addiction for more than 20 years, she was describing everything I was feeling and experiencing, she just couldn't seem to get past it.

I thought, well, it can't get much worse, so I'll stick to the where I am at, get those waters calm, then cut back some more and achieved my goal of being off all meds when I returned to work on the 30 Jan 2014.

Picture 1)

First day back at work.

Picture 2)

1) the original break, 2) the graft when first done,

3) bottom left three months after surgery, 4) bottom right 14 months after surgery. if you look at the position of the pin just at the bone graft join in picture 2, you can see the bone growth by 14 months.

Picture 3

A year of cycle riding.