PTSD

So, now the time has come, to write the part that has been mulling around and around in my head for quite some time. They say time heals all things, how long that time takes though is anyone's guess right??

I don't often sit down and reflect on where I was, as in the trauma of it all, or how far I have come. I am the kind of person that is always looking at the next thing, the next hurdle, the next adventure, how do I get from here to there? and how do I do it quickly?? I do though, often find myself thinking 'god dam, it's been 8 years since the first accident, where the hell has that time gone?? 5 years since the second accident.

I have worked hard on myself, to build my body as strong as I can. If I'm honest though, I could be working harder, there is always room for improvement. I do not want to succumb to the, 'well I am 50, I'm not as fit and strong as I used to be'........ I cram an awful lot into my day these days, with plans to add more, do more and be more.

My life lesson though, I am sure I have been sent her to learn patience, clearly I am a very slow learner, as still don't really have a lot of it.

To really be able to have some kind of understanding of me, the woman I have grown into, where I have been through both of these accidents. I guess I need to dive a little deeper. Most who know me, will think they know me well, the kind of person I am, what I like, dislike etc. But there is a side of me I don't really reveal, I don't talk about very much, and very few see this part of me, and that is my vulnerability. I tend to keep that pretty close to my chest.

When I got home from accident two, I had caught some kind of bug, I don't know what it was, perhaps a 24 hour bug or something? but let me tell you, it put me on my arse like you would not believe. Non stop vomiting for 24 hours. I was already low on energy, in pain with a belly full of stitches. It was painful to breath, with broken ribs and having had a collapse lung. Shortness of breath came quickly. I didn't have a lot of strength to pick myself up off the floor with each bathroom visit. Poor ole hubby, he really has seen me in all my finest glory, would pick me up and put me back into bed.

Remembering I have just had the length of my torso cut open, I had no abdominal muscle strength - it seriously felt like my insides were just going to fall out If I did not hold myself. The most comfortable I could get was holding a pillow tight into my tummy, otherwise everything felt like it really would fall out, it is the most bizarre feeling. I would sit hunched over, when I got up, I walked hunched over holding my tummy. I walked slowly and purposefully like an old woman. Throw in a vomiting bug for good measure, your muscles are involuntary when you vomit right - the pain, I felt like the staples were going pop right on out. Can you imagine......

When it was time to rest or sleep, EVERY time I closed my eyes, I would see the accident play over and over and over, I would go into a panic attack, trying to stop the bike gong in the direction it was headed, trying to lean the bike over more, right hand down, right had down, my breathing would escalate, I would have this overwhelming feeling of dread, even though the accident had already happened, it just played over and over, that corner, seeing it, and not being able to change direction. My entire body would tense up, my palms would get sweaty, the panic, the sensation of a something hot being poured over my body from my head down. Even now just writing this, my body is complete tense.

I would lay awake night after night not being able to sleep, and of course when you go to the Dr, they just prescribe MORE drugs - Drugs for pain, drugs to stop you vomiting, drugs to stop you feeling nauseous, drugs to make you pooh, because all the drugs make you constipated, drugs to make you sleep, drugs to stop you feeling anxious, drugs to help with night terrors when you don't sleep, a side affects from all the drugs. I was right back to where I was 3 years ago, on a smorgasbord of drugs, only this time, the whole experience was all having a massive impact on my mental health.

The first accident I have absolutely no recollection of, not even an 'oh FUUUUCCCKKK moment. The second one, I remember EVERYTHING, the entire moment, the whole thing played in the slowest of slow motion, it felt like I was in the air for ever. I was just waiting to hit the ground, it felt forever away, until I landed with a thud. when I did land in my lazybiy of grass, initially i thought I had just winded myself, I really thought I was alright. I actually got up and walked around, I looked at my bike and thought it wasn't too bad, if I just catch my breath, I'll be able to ride home. My eyes rolled to the back of my head and I was back on the ground. You know the story from here.

My doctor explained I had post traumatic stress, seeing the accident playing over and over again, who knew how long that was going to go on for. I tried all kinds of things, I would find myself drifting off to sleep and I would tell myself, just ride through the corner Rach, that is going to be the only way you are going to get past that corner, but the corner would come, I would tense up and then a night of tossing and turning it would be. This lasted for about 6 months. I‘d still see the corner, but the feeling of panic eventually started to become less. There was also a bunch of other mental health issues going on, the way I now saw my body, let's just say I wasn't very kind to myself, and I spoke pretty harshly to myself.

The recovery took much longer than I thought it would take, but you know, that's typical of me, not very patient and all. I thought I'd be back at work six weeks post accident at the max - What a dreamer!!...... I was off work from April to December. There was a lot that went on during that time, trying to get my head clear, working on my muscle strength, to be able to stand upright, get off all the drugs. That actually wasn't as hard as it was the first time around. I did learn a thing or two about medication and dependancy of them. It wasn't happening second time around. It's amazing how 'in tune' I have become with my body over time. But the biggest thing was learning who the new me was. I had changed with accident two, I can't put my finger on WHAT changed exactly, but there was a change inside of me. I have become a much softer person, stronger in mind and and body yes, and that is an ongoing ever evolving thing, but I'm not the hard person I used to be. The change bought a lot of self doubt, insecurity ad fear that I was good enough for anything. The humiliation I felt, that I had crashed AGAIN and really worried my partner, children, family and friends. I felt stupid for a really long time.

What I did know was that I needed to spend time on myself, forgiving myself, getting over myself, getting out of my own way, and to stop worrying what others thought of me.

I can honestly tell you that I have NOT got there yet, and that I am a work in progress, I try to work on every day.

If there is anything you DO know about me, it is that I have a very determined mind. when I set my mind to something- It will happen. Although Steve had said no more bikes......... I did know the only way I was going to be able to move past this point, was to get back on.